Where 'there was not any wall':

It seems to me that this year has been far too full of crisis. The family has vaccillated between medical emergencies and financial emergencies, sometimes throwing in both at once for good measure. Less than a year after our last move, we are considering moving yet again. Some days, I feel like a puppet being jounced about on a string. People, governments, and circumstances outside of my control seem to be running the show, and it's really, really scary!
But that's only a 'seems like'- and seemings are nothing!

Here is the reality:

Psalm 18:28,30-36
"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." " As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down and make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn."

Psalm 31:8-9a
"You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;..."

Psalm 33:9-11, 13-22
"For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded and it stood firm. The Lord foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." "From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth- he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do. No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and famine.
We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."

Have I put my hope in Him?
If I have, is there any earthly reason to give stress and worry a foothold in my life? Faith doesn't say "LORD???? What are you THINKING??? How could you let these things happen to us? Where is this going? Why? Why? Why?" Amy Carmichael summed it up neatly: "Faith never questions why."
Faith is not fearful, nor resentful, nor rebellious.
Sometimes it appears to me that the world is a total mess. Completely crazy, completely rotten. Out of control.
And we DO live in a fallen world, full of messed up people doing messed up things and making stupid decisions. But NEVER out of control! He who 'forms the hearts of all' and 'considers everything they do' is Sovereign. All things are working together for His glory. He is the Deliverer, and His love is unfailing.
It's just that sometimes, deliverance seems far away, or, when it comes, is nothing like my expectations. Oswald Chambers wrote:

"The things that happen do not happen by chance- they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes. If we are in fellowship and oneness wih God... we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are. As we grow in the Christian life... we are less inclined to say, "I wonder why God allowed this or that?" And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and wisdom of God, not in his own abilities."

It's true- but sometimes I forget, or at least, drift away. Then I find myself where I was this morning- drooping Mondayishly in math class, battling the throbbing beginnings of yet another headache, and scribbling sub-par poetry in the margins of my notebook.
Here is this morning's effort:

'Time placed a chain of silence on my tongue
Binding my weary thoughts with rings of steel;
A weight of leaden armoring which hung
Massive and grim, too dense to fear or feel
beyond- Tomorrows writhed throughout the cell-
Whose heavy doors shut out the clear Today;
Only three scattered bars of sunlight fell
From miles above, to waver, not to stay.

Dizzy, I heard the rushing far below
Of angry waters- ringing in my ears
Came doubt, and pain; futility also-
The torrents grew, and were the roar of years.

My God- I cannot see beyond this wall
The window, too, is high and out of sight.
No key of mine can turn the lock at all
No flame of mine could penetrate this night..."

Here, I stopped, wondering dully what I was trying to say- and suddenly realized that I did not need to find an ending for my poem, because Amy Carmichael has written it already:

But "...a light shined in the cell.
----And there was not any wall
----And there was no dark at all
----Only Thou, Emannuel!"

There IS not any wall! Nor is there any darkness! Nor is there any prison of Despair, save in my own fevered brain. There is only Him.

My friend and teaching partner, Maggie, shared this with me yesterday:

"Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength.” - Charles H. Spurgeon

Do fear and worry accomplish anything? If they are, as they were this morning and last night, undermining my confidence in God rather that driving me to Him for comfort, they are destructive, and should have no place in my life. We can say with the Psalmist 'my times are in Your hands' because He is ABLE to keep our 'times'- our dreams and our tomorrows.

So, contrary to the ferment of 'what if...' and 'it seems like...' thoughts attacking our brains, we should maintain this attitude:

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure." (Psalm 16:8-9)

And may 'the God of peace' give us His peace!
Amen.