...which I shamelessly stole from Jeanne Hulme's facebook...

The Stupidity of Unbelief
Sunday, September 28, 2008 at 8:11pm
I do stupid things all the time because of unbelief and I really wish I didn't.

I woke up this morning and thought: why did I do that? I pulled the covers over my head because I didn't want to face my own stupidity. I tried to go back to sleep, to stop my racing mind, but I couldn't. Instead, I reluctantly opened my Bible to Luke where I've been reading lately. I asked the Lord to help me understand, but not too much, I asked for the Holy Spirit to bring conviction, but not too much. I read about the servants and the talents which were assigned to each of them. When I got to the part about the faithless servant, I cringed because of two little words: "you knew...". You knew, but you acted like you didn't. Too much conviction for so early in the morning, I decided to see what the morning's sermon would bring.

I went to church and sat absolutely stunned as my pastor preached on Sarah and her long wait on God. My pastor talked about how, by the time it was the time for Sarah to conceive Issac, she had given up on the promises of God. She had walked away in bitterness and unbelief; the reality of God's promises didn't touch her heart anymore. My pastor talked about being faithful, even through the waiting time, even though the hard times, even when I don't understand what's happening, or more likely, what's going to happen. I sat like a statue throughout the whole of the sermon; I never moved. Perhaps I was afraid that God would take even more notice of my faithless heart. I'm sure I reminded Him of someone: Peter sinking on the sea, the Israelites grumbling in the desert, or Sarah laughing in her tent. After the sermon I fled through the back doors, and didn't look back. I avoided eye contact with other friendly church-goers and sat in dejected silence on the drive home.

What is my sin? Lack of faith in the promises of God. My continued displays of faithlessness toward Him. Lately, I've been really convicted about living according to God's Word. I understand that having faith in God means living in obedience to His commands and letting Him take care of the consequences, whatever they may be. I don't want to waste the opportunities which God gives me to obey, but I do. I am a coward and I live with my eyes too much fixed on this world. I live so far away from the REALITY of God. I don't know how to explain this except to say, this is my Father's world, and yet I live as if He has completely abandoned it, as if He doesn't really mean what He says, as if the revelation of Himself through Jesus Christ is somehow a moot point today, instead of the greatest reality of my life.

My heart is a little bit broken today. My wings are all worn out. But I don't believe this is just the case for me either. I believe we are all a little sin-sick and weary. Our lack of faith in the promises of God is causing all of us to lag behind and - the worst thing of all - to compromise. I can't forget the dejected look of a friend who, earlier this week, asked me if I thought any of it was worth it. "It" being the effort of ministry, of life, really. He said "I think it's all useless sometimes, all the time..." I could only stand there beside him and ring my hands, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other and say "you know that's not true, you know that's a lie..." But I couldn't really say much more than that; I was broken and frustrated too.

I want to have "a long obedience in the same direction", that direction being Jesus Christ Himself. I want to prove that, while it may not be easy, through the power of the Holy Spirit I can live a life of faithfulness to God's Word, a life of no compromise. God is so merciful to me. I would have given up on me a long time ago. I would have left me in my bed, with the covers pulled up. But He doesn't do that. He picks me up, brushes me off, and says: "let's try that again, shall we?" He sends pastors and friends and books and verses to remind me that I am loved and forgiven and fought for and that the promises are true.

I am fearful of the next time I face that great giant of unbelief. I am afraid I will act in ignorance and stupidity and unbelief. Again. But my prayer for myself (and you too) is that I will let the reality of the great I AM shape my behavior. I believe that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by living according to God's standards and "keeping the faith".

And so I do.