Going On With Jesus

It's hard to say what's been most challenging about my first semester of college. Probably dealing with people is hardest- that and keeping up with assignments. When your time is tight, it's harder to unwind, regroup, marshal your forces for the next assault. Instead of going 'from strength to strength' one is quickly tempted to go 'from collapse to collapse'

At first, everything was one glorious adventure- meeting new people, finding my way around, diving into my classes... but it didn't stay that way. After the first five or six weeks things crashed into a nightmare of constant tension and 'sameness'. P.G. Wodehouse said that 'Routine is death to heroism', and it seems that he was right. My focus flew out the window. My roomate showed up four weeks into the semester, and suddenly what little privacy I'd been able to maintain was gone. So, I fled to the field behind the dorm to read and study, and had a refuge... until the weather became wet, and bitterly cold. It quickly became clear that the multitudes of relationships I'd initiated were not going to become close friendships, and so, I began to feel desperately isolated and lonely as well. I stayed in contact with a precious handful of friends from high school... but physical distance inevitably creates a certain level of emotional distance. At first, I'd try to tell them everything... then everything turned into 'Oh, uh, nothing much. I'm fine.' Some of the more sensational stories would end up coming out. But the hard stuff, the day to day stuff, the quiet heartbreaks- those get glossed over. After a while, you feel guilty about complaining. And you wonder- do they really understand? Any of it? They aren't here- have never heard the bells pealing out across campus on the hour, seen the scarlet maple leaves glowing like fire in the rain against the drenched bricks of Juda Hall, or the wide sunlit field, tousled with wheat straw like white gold, the roughly turned earth, tumbled blue skies, a lacy border of deciduous trees and deep green groves of cedars, smelled the warm greasy haze which lingers around the Blum Union, or the repulsive fishy stench of the hundreds of earthworms which flee the sodden grass only to drown on the flooded sidewalks, and be deliberately trampled by frat boys. And they can't really enter into the moment by moment battle to love unloveable roomates, suitemates, and fellow students- not that they aren't having similar, maybe even more difficult troubles of their own- but yours are different. The communication breaks down from both sides. After a while you feel suffocated, stifled, by the constant profanity, lewdness, rebelliousness... it seems almost natural and normal, but still leaves you feeling violated and queasy. I still struggle not to protest that I 'shouldn't have to deal with all of that'- that I have a 'right' to be sheltered. But, of course, that's nonsense. Oswald Chambers wrote: "...watch when God changes your circumstances to see whether you are going on with Jesus, or siding with the world, the flesh, and the devil. We wear His name, but are we going on with Him?... The temptations of Jesus continued throughout His earthly life, and they will continue through the life of the Son of God in us. Are we going on with Jesus in the life we are living right now? We have the idea that we ought to shield ourselves from some of the things God brings around us. Jesus Christ's honor is at stake in our bodily lives. Are we remaining faithful to the Son of God in everything that attacks His life in us? Are you going on with Jesus? The way goes through Gethsemane, through the city gate and on 'outside the camp' (Hebrews 13:13) The way is lonely and goes on until there is no longer even a trace of a footprint to follow- but only the voice saying. 'Follow Me.' "