Drawn From Desperation

This has not exactly been the best week of my life. It began, on Monday morning (at an hour earlier than I would normally wish to be awake) with the loss, and apparent theft of my wallet- with suspicion pointing towards my suitemates. Strike one. In between trying to straighten things out with the bank, and filing police reports, and replacing things like my campus ID and debit card, the stress level shot up. Then, the confusion and sense of betrayal began to sink in, as I tried to wrap my head around the thought that the people I lived with every day would really have done something so... low. I still can't comprehend it. There was also our continuing concern over my dad's fragile health, a sudden burst of homesickness, and, strangest, and most disturbing of all, an outbreak of 'admirers'. Guys are one problem I'd been almost entirely free of before, and so I didn't, and still don't know exactly how to deal, both graciously and firmly, with their wholly unwanted attention. I remember feeling attacked from all sides- as though things were literally flying at me from every direction, and I just wanted to creep into some dark, quiet place and never come out again. I topped it all off by getting sick myself- at least I think that's what it was. Frequent headaches, dizziness, a jumpy stomach, fever and chills, etc... I think it may be as close as I've ever come to serious depression. One morning I sat in bed and cried because I didn't want to get up and leave the room- it felt like the last safe place in the world.
So, not the most incredible of weeks! :-) I can't help but wonder if it wasn't a serious Satanic attack, considering that this was the week we were supposed to be setting up our dorm Bible studies, and not only did I have all of my lovely distractions, but one of the other girl leaders lost her grandmother (much worse than anything I had to deal with!), and others had various stressful things come up- and we all were on edge emotionally.
I think that God always provides consolation for such things, but that it often is not what we expected, or even wanted. God's blessings certainly never fail to be as surprising as they are good! I know, for me, that things began to look up on Tuesday, when I was able to have a serious spiritual discussion with my Thai friend, Prueksa. As we were talking, she asked how the death of Jesus could take our sins away, and I explained how He had taken the punishment for our sins (this astonished her, as she has a very strict 'eye for eye, tooth for tooth' view of eternal retribution). Then I told her: "Because Jesus Christ was willing to be punished in the place of the people in the world, when God looks at those of us who have believed in Him to have our sins taken away, He doesn't see our sinfulness, or rotteness, or any of the shameful things we've done- He sees His own Son, Jesus, standing as a shield between us and punishment- and when He looks at me He sees not me, but Jesus and His perfect Holiness. Because of Jesus, I am able to come before God, clothed in the righteousness of Christ!" (I think the English I used was simpler when I was talking with Prueksa!) As soon as it came out of my mouth I was totally blown away. I'd never thought of it in exactly those terms before! It's not so much that Christ eliminated sin, but rather that He overwhelmed and engulfed it through His own blinding holiness. I'm beloved by Him, not as the lamed and plain-featured 'Much-Afraid', but as the lovely 'Grace and Glory' He intends for me to be! And when He looks at me, THAT IS WHAT HE IS SEEING! The thought became a little well of joy throughout the miserable week- a gem to be fished from its case and admired whenever things became intolerable.
So, in conclusion, what have I learned? Well, first of all, to be careful where I leave my wallet! :-P But also, that God truly is faithful in the midst of distressing circumstances- and that when I allow myself to wallow in self-pity, I cut myself off from the sweetest consolations of His faithfulness! Last of all, the importance of encouragement and fellowship with other Christians. Wednesday night, I was able to talk to my two closest friends on the phone, and both vent, receive exciting 'outside' perspectives (Things are happening across the world that are much more important than my cramped little campus 'cage'; surPRISE!), and some helpful lecturing and advice. That was the beginning of the end of the 'No good, terrible, very bad week'. It was rather like the soothing of a plunging horse, or the calming of a storm- my head stopped spinning, heart resumed its normal beating, stomach stopped tensing- the whole body was just like 'Ooooh, ok, nobody's dying yet after all! Never mind!' It must have been receiving some pretty catastrophic memos from my brain! :-) And a genuine, face splitting smile is a pretty good tonic for a troubled spirit! Then, on Thursday, a British Christian and author came to speak on campus about the Resurrection, and its role in the Gospel, which was also pretty encouraging- and afterwards, my friend Anna and I began chatting, and agreed to begin going through the book of Romans together in our daily quiet time so we'd have more fellowship and accountability. Which is always a good thing.
... And which leads me to wonder whether my week was really as awful as I thought... :-)

"Be still, be still you silly, trembling heart
Be still and wait for day!
Think you to break a single bar apart
By quaking so away?
If lost in darkness, and its prisoning
Why then, like Paul and Silas pray and sing!
Be still, my love!"

"I cannot, cannot still this freezing terror
Nor halt my quivering
Nor have sufficient strength to ever bear
Such fearful buffeting
I lack for wisdom, Lord, and without light
Will soon be crushed by all this weight of night!
Come near, my God!"

"Be still and know, you fragile, craven thing
I swear, I will restore
Child, weeping for your lack of comforting
No servant ever bore
The cross alone- why care that mockers jeer?
Why huddle in such agony of fear?
The fight is won!"