'But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out..." (Matthew 14)

I'm sitting down tonight, to preach myself a sermon. I know that I certainly need it- but I don't know, yet, what I ought to say. So we will see where this goes. I guess, to begin with, I should figure out what the problem is, that requires such urgent sermonizing...

It's hard to explain.

I know, I know- I always say that- but that's because so often it is! And even if I understood it entirely myself (what's wrong, that is), and could put it into words, there are things buried in one's heart that are too fragile, too raw, and too painful to post on a blog.
I could list symptoms, to start: Restlessness- wandering from one thing to the next, pacing furrows in the carpet of my room, hungry for change, constant change- and, simultaneously, for SOMETHING unchanging!
Fear- panicky moments of almost convulsive fear which I don't understand. Little things- and big things- happen, and I feel... anchorless... I don't know where to go. Or, perhaps more accurately, cannot go where I want...
Loneliness- surrounded by crowds of people, and yet drifting in a steel-bound shell of isolation. They aren't the people I'm longing to see. Maybe it's homesickness. I get hungry for people who really care- not giving ten minutes, or an hour out of their 'real' lives, but people who are a part of mine, whose reality is bound up with mine. There's something stifled, and terrible in love which is not only untended and unserved, but which is deprived of any outlet for tending and serving its object. A deep sense of claustrophobia, and suffocation.
Inadequacy. Weakness.
One half of something wobbling about the world lopsidedly.
Letters buried, instead of sent.
Most of all confusion. Confusion about the past- about exactly what's happened, and what it means to the present and future. And confusion, dizzy, sickening confusion about the present and future themselves, and the future especially.
Lastly, tears that keep coming, unasked for, and inexplicable, at odd times. I cry for seemingly no reason- and I mean really CRY- not just choke up, which normally doesn't happen. And it's even worse when the tears won't come, only hang on the spirit like a cage, or the dull, heaviness of lead.
So, there is the illness, and now, as the physician, I must diagnose, and prescribe for the patient.
It would be too easy- too trite- to pass it off as simply a bad case of spring fever, or the blues, or growing pains. It would be unfair to glance over such genuine, though ludicrous distress, and laugh, and say 'Oh, she must be in love.', 'It's just because she's so young.', 'She'll recover on her own.'.
I happen to be well aquainted with this particular patient, you see- and am convinced that the problem is more serious, even, than she is willing to admit to herself on most days. I could not say for sure without running some more sophisticated tests, examining the patient's thoughts and behavior in more detail, and perhaps bringing to light some emotions that she is still clinging to, quietly, secretly, in her heart-of-hearts. But, based on my current knowledge of her condition, I feel confident in saying that we have before us today a young woman with a serious case of...
Idolatry
Selfishness
Lack of faith
You may be thinking that sounds harsh. Even I am tempted to look at the craven, miserable girl and say 'She's a college student, away from home for the first time, struggling in a hostile environment, separated from the people most important to her. Give her a break, ok?'
Fortunately, I know the girl well enough to be sure that she doesn't NEED sympathy, or praise, or pats on the head. She needs a stiff lecture. And, since no one else has volunteered to give it (and since she would probably be crushed at receiving it from anyone else, I suppose the job must fall to me.
But, first, I will explain my diagnosis.
When I say 'idolatry', you must understand that I don't mean that she has a jade Buddha on her dresser, or asherah poles set up in the back yard. I mean that she's allowing God to become the secondary focus of her mind, and emotions, and energy. Every once in a while, there will be a blinding flash of clarity, and she will be back on the right footing for a few days. But then, the heartache, and the isolation, and the nagging worries begin again, winding the same slow, weary circle around and around in her head. An outsider, if she trusted him enough to tell, and he gave her time (which has never happened, yet) might blame the disease on the heartache, or the worry, or the general 'up-in-the-air'ness of her life and plans- but the outsider would be wrong. Those things, all, are neutral- the disease feeds on them, but they could not touch a healthy soul- might even strengthen it! The problem is that, instead of being willing to say 'My life is no longer taking the direction I expected. And I don't know what that means, or if it's right or wrong, or what direction I AM taking. And there are things in my life that I wish were not there. And, more importantly, it seems, there are things in my life which I wish WERE there, that are not- and yet, Christ IS my life, and my sustenance, and I remain unshaken in His grace and in His Word!', she too frequently pouts like a disciplined child. If she could only say that- and not only say it on Tuesdays and Thursdays, for instance, or only in the evenings, or only on weekends- but say it consistently, and with conviction at all moments, both the blackest, and brightest, she would not be ill, and I would not have to be examining her case and writing her prescriptions.
But she IS 'ill', and she IS refusing to place Christ in His rightful place in her heart at all times- which brings us to the second important element in her ailment. And that is, selfishness.
When I first began to study this particular patient, even though I know and understand her more nearly than I do anyone else on earth, I was confused. Idolatry, obviously was present- God was not first for her, nor was He all (especially not all), and yet, what had taken His place? It was a mystery. At first I thought:
'Aha- she has made an idol of her ministry. She is concerned with locations and methods and results. This is why she is driving herself half mad out of concern for the future- because ministry has become a 'hobby' and a consuming passion, and is more about her than it is about God.
But, the puzzle piece didn't fit.
So, I dug deeper, and I said to myself: 'Oh, I see! She has made a sort of 'religion' centering around the people she loves- more particularly, is idolizing one or two specific relationships- has reached the point, even, where she is sometimes more concerned with those people than with God!'
But, once again, it wasn't the right answer. It left too much unexplained.
Then, I realized- it wasn't about ministry, or future plans, or relationships. It was about her. And THAT was the problem! There is nothing so destructive as self-love. Of course, she was by no means ENTIRELY governed by it yet- but it was gaining a foothold. The patient had allowed it to sneak into a great many of her thoughts, and even actions! Ministry, relationships, whatever. They were important as things that made HER happy, that satisfied HER self-perceived needs- the need to be 'useful', the need to be 'loved' (not with God's love, but with something more seemingly 'safe', more 'solid'- that is, more HUMAN! A love not quite so VERY perfect- that has tangible arms to wrap you in when you're desperate for something to hold onto.)
Much of her distress stemmed from the fact that both her ministry, and relationships were tiring, and disappointing, and unsatisfactory- not surprising, considering how much support she had begun to demand from them!
Those desires are by no means unnatural- but, if she CONTINUES to give them a free rein in her life, disastrous results will ensue.
The patient knows all of this as well as I. Despises it in herself- and yet- and yet- There's still a part of her that struggles to trust that, if she lets go of her 'rights' and 'wants' and 'needs', that God will be as sufficient as, deep down she knows He is, and that things will bring themselves to some sort of resolution.

Which leads to the last, and most important segment of my diagnosis: Lack of faith.
That's really what it comes down to, in the end! Faced with some very real, and serious issues to resolve- some genuine griefs and joys, and hurts and blessings- and finding herself unsure what to do with them, and vaccillating from day to day- at one moment, feeling as wide open, free, and defenseless as a cloudless sky- the next, experiencing that sort of narrowed down confusion that Jim Elliot described when he wrote in a letter to Betty: "The question is whether or not I should marry; marriage and you are synonymous." Faced with, and attempting to sort through all of this, she ceased to feel that God was truly 'the giver of all good things'- began to be bewildered as to what He INTENDED to give her- was even more desperately bewildered when the things she thought she had resigned completely and given up to Him suddenly swung back within reach.

And, sometimes, the confusion and bewilderment drive her to her knees before Him- remind her to live for Him wholeheartedly one day at a time, because the rest is so uncertain- teach her to say, as in Psalm 16:2 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.'
But, at others, she begins to look elsewhere for security- to focus on the instabilities in her life, to worry, and brood, and reach out for anything, ANYTHING solid! And it isn't only futile, it's deadly!

Which is why, as both 'doctor' and 'patient' I have spent my evening here typing away, attempting to clarify my cloudiness and vast uncertainty in words.

That's only the diagnosis, though, and I promised a solution. Fortunately, it's simple. (sounding)

1. Be renewed, and immersed in God's Word. When I'm tempted to worry, I should GO THERE- not allow the stress, or just attempt to distract myself! Leonard Ravenhill said that 'Entertainment is the devil's substitute for Joy!' -and it's true!

2. Be faithful in prayer. If any thing, or person, begins to absorb my time or overwhelm my day, I should immediately lay it at God's feet in prayer, rather than wandering off on my own, empty, tangent. This is the single biggest weapon against selfishness- against both work, and relationships that are likely to become walls between God and I, rather than tools in His hand.

3. Cry out for patience. Focus on Him, and take things one step at a time. This is only possible if the first two things are in place.

So, there's the checklist, and, expert physician that I am not, I freely instruct the whiny patient that I am to take all three of these medicines in liberal measure. They are only bitter to a soul that has allowed itself to work 'out of joint'- and are amazingly sweet once the cure is effected!

And, maybe they will be the 'oil on troubled waters' needed to smooth out these mercurial, tempestuous, incomprehensible moods and yearnings of mine.

For all of you who have been praying,and have given me advice, and who take the time to read this overly wordy late night rambling, thank you SO MUCH! I don't know how to tell you how much it means, any more than I know how to tell you exactly what's going on! :-) But you are loved.

And, hopefully, we will all learn to say- you, to your problems, and I to mine: "'..."I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!" But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds health in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back...' (Isaiah 38:14-17)

Matthew 14:27-31 'But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately, Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "Why did you doubt?"