The Echoes of His Peace

'And now I hear Thy mighty "Peace, be still,"
And wind and wave are calm- their fury, froth.
Could wind or wave cause Thee to break Thy troth?
They are but servants to Thy Sovereign will;
Within me all is still.'(Amy Carmichael) :

Those are the wondrous moments in life. Not when the water is a happy, playful, breeze-ruffled thing dancing along between myriad sun-glintings, but when the waves rise up in a great grey rage, and strike like walls- when the wind is a roaring beast, and the depths swell, and billow, and crash over with irresistible force- and then, miraculously, are quelled. It must be worth years of storm-tossing to feel that glorious storm-halting once!

The past few weeks have been a hurricane. I just felt driven helter-skelter before an icy blast of inadequacy, and hurt, and betrayal, and, anger, and rebellion. I didn't know the world could really be such an absolute howling wilderness, and that one could keep smiling, and studying, and chattering away as though nothing were the matter.
Pride was in a fury, and idealism was struck to the heart. Was it possible that I could really be SUCH a miserable failure as this? Were people really so corrupt and untrustworthy? Would I ever have the grace to love them as unselfishly as I wanted to? Did I really WANT to love them at all? Was there any point even in trying? I was writhing in the grip of absolutely poisonous emotions- and I hated the feeling- and I couldn't stop it, or see more than a few inches beyond pain.

It simply went on like that, until I was teetering at the breaking point. Life was a seemingly endless round of dully staring into space, of crying, of lacking the emotional fervour to cry, of praying listlessly in circles- knowing I was stung only by a hundred 'little things', and suffering as though they had been great and terrible ones. It's awful to feel oneself grieved beyond logic and reason- no one watching from the outside can sympathise or comprehend it.

And then, one night, kneeling through the crashing wonder of a thunderstorm, I talked and sobbed it all out with God in rain drenched hopelessness at the Altar Place. And I woke up the next morning, and it was... gone. I hardly recognized myself. I had been frozen before- often unable to feel at all, but this was not freezing or numbness- this was PEACE! Pulling the blankets closer around me, I curled up beside the window and looked out. The tawny-grey lace of branches and twigs on the nearest tree- just beginning to be touched with green at the tips (it is a tree that steps cautiously into Spring) were jeweled with with dangling rows of diamond droplets. The bark of the farther tree was black with rain- the asphalt was shining with it- puddles were flashing at me here and there. A wild panorama of green began to rush past- lush, joyous emerald grass- a great canopy of treetops rising in the near horizon- a silvery cascade of paler green falling over the closest maple. And the sky was soft, gentle, awash with clear grey light- the whole scene singing exquisite morning-ness! I was so glad! I think I learned all over again what gladness is!
Beautiful God! Beautiful morning! As though the Maker of all THIS could be at a loss to guide me, and the people he'd placed about me! I was laughing- happy, childish, unsarcastic laughter, and it was unspeakably good. It has been good ever since- transcending final projects and impending finals- stress, worry, and discouragement. Peace is such a glowing thing- and suddenly, all the love that I couldn't manage at all is overflowing almost effortlessly in generous fountains of grace.

It sounds so strange- is such a miracle, to me! I've felt gradual change before, but never a sudden, utter transformation like this. I only know that a faith which was completely impossible to me when I went to bed was mine in abundance when I woke up- has stayed, like a weight of brightness on my heart all week. At first, I only began to know, as an accomplished fact, that joy was a thing entirely independent of happiness- and then I found that happiness follows on the heels of joy! Every truth in the world was suddenly new-minted. Circumstances are unchanged, but life is far, far, better than alright! And He is glorious!

A few months ago, at the rocky beginning of the semester, I jotted this verse down (during math class, of course.)

He laid a hand upon my inner gale.
One sighing splash denotes collapsing waves,
Then all is still.
And silenced is the clamour of my soul-
Its plunging- frenzied, wild,
Rests calm within the chambers of His will,
Is chambered in the circle of His calm.
No other sound intrudes upon us, save
The waters, breathing like a drowsing child,
And rocking in the echo of His "Peace!"

I'm still a little bit dazed by the stillness. It came so suddenly, and stayed so completely. But since the echo of Christ's "Peace, be still!" is still throbbing here along clear, rainbow lines of light- like the sun bursting through rain-slicked glass- why, what can I do but radiate peace as well?